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Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Kim Jong-il is Smart as Sin

Aerial Photograph of North Korea, Kim Jong-il

According to this aerial photograph of Korea taken at night, North Korea only has one light bulb. It floats above Kim Jong-il's head constantly as he invents absolutely everything the world has ever seen. Now that he is dead the bulb still glows because the Dear Leader's intelligence transcends the limits of physicality; in life he never needed to urinate or defecate and in death he remains North Korea's official "Guiding Star of the 21st Century."

In this piece I would like to address some of the inconsistencies between fact and fiction that have surfaced since his tragic demise on December 18th last year – a day that threatened to de-rail the future of humankind and left me weeping and wailing even when there wasn’t a camera pointed at my face.

Kim Jong-il’s legacy is decorated with outstanding feats of achievement and cosmic examples of omnipotence. The epic narrative began in 1941 in a secret military camp, deep within the Baedku Mountains. His arrival was prophesized by a double rainbow and his existence was proved by the birth of a new star in the sky.

I think it was Spiderman or maybe his nerdier alter-ego, Peter Parker, who said that “With great power comes great responsibility.” What he failed to mention is that great power also breeds great envy in others – just ask Wayne Rooney, he gets shit-loads of stick from the green-eyed media every time he… sleeps with a prostitute or … swears at his loyal fans during a sub-standard World Cup campaign.

And the same is true of Kim Jong-il. A bogus Soviet report suggests that he was actually born in a Siberian village during WWII, where his family hid through cowardice, whilst the people of North Korea were ripped apart by the advancing Japanese. Naturally, it’s easy for you or me to ascertain which account is true, but some unsuspecting North Korean citizen could read the Soviet report and actually believe it! I KNOW! Imagine the tragedy – the ill-informed innocent could be duped by a biased publication and live his or her life with a completely warped view of the Dear Leader’s intentions.

This polemic aims to re-claim Kim Jong-il’s honour and put to bed any ideological libel, deceitful defamation, or hurtful misinformation that has sprouted from the seeds of jealousy since his death.

A misleading data release from the ironically named ‘Transparency International’ in their purportedly credible Corruption Perception Index (CPI) names North Korea as the most corrupt nation in the World. However, this perfidious claim is grossly inaccurate as Kim Jong-il always provided irrevocable evidence to support his bravura. For example, in 1994 he shot a world record 38-under-par in his first ever round of golf; the God-like display of brilliance included 11 holes-in-one. His tremendous debut score was officially certified by 17 bodyguards who stepped forward as eyewitnesses to silence his covetous Western critics.

Perhaps the most troubling pretense of western culture that relates to the Dear Leader is that of the hamburger. Numerous, and I mean NUMEROUS internet sources and pages of printed literature claim that the hamburger existed before the year 2000. The reputable McDonald’s restaurant even claims to have served the meal as early as 1940. This is contrary to official North Korean documentation that details Kim Jong-il’s invention of the ‘Gogigyeopbban’ in the year 2000 – a tender dish that comes in the form of a meat sandwich: two pieces of meat placed inside a bread bun. The culinary delight is often served with a cheese slice, salad and dollop of tomato ketchup.

It shocks and horrifies me that such a flagrant display of heresy has spread like wildfire around the world. One can only pray that the profound truth present within Kim Jong-il’s hamburger can infiltrate the ignorant bliss that pervades western society.

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